So, it's been a while since I've written on this blog. I've been in therapy and since starting I've finally been crying. like a lot. I don't know if it's helping or hurting but at least, I can feel something lol. February has been a rough month for me, especially with Valentine's Day and everything. On that note, I'd like to say being the villain in someone else's story and knowing that you are one makes me feel so fucking horrible. Like okay when someone does YOU wrong its terrible, obviously, maybe even objectively worse. I mean I've sure been someone's victim… However, would it be morally fucked up to say that I would prefer to be the one who's the victim? Honestly, I think it is -.. cause now actually writing that out and rereading it has given me a flash imagine of “What if I didn't survive through that enough to even utter those words out?”. Exposure therapy sure is effective.
I'm saying all of this because recently I sent out an apology to one of my ex-boyfriends. Yes… Me… Apologizing to a man. That's how you know the shit was serious. It was because how i treated him in the relationship was weighing on my conscience. Long story short when we broke up 10 days after we did, I messed with someone else and got drunk and told him about it. Now many may say “Oh that's it?”, “I mean technically you aren't wrong for that he wasn't your boyfriend” or the other side is like “Well that's definitely of trifling', ”Damn after 10 days?!". I'm in between on that personally. While yes, we were not together it doesn't make the action in it of itself wrong, what did I tell him that for? What was i hoping to gain from releasing that information?
I couldn't talk about my relationship problems in therapy for a while because truth be told, despite whatever the man did wrong to me … the fact I did something back and had the nerve NOT to stand on it but in fact let the guilt eat me alive is actually some next level delusion shit that needed to be checked and I knew that. I want to fall in love again and experience it in a healthy way. however I can't do that if there's something in me that's unchecked that will just repeat the same issue again and again. I don't want to stay in the same place I was in. I want to move forward because I know there's more out there for me than feeling sorry for myself because I was a villain in someone's story, or there's the possibility of someone out there having distasteful things to say about me. I'm a narcissist (clinically), My ego is fucking up a lot of things for me and I know this. I started taking on situations head on even if it physically made me want to rip my hair out. It's like poison escaping my body but it has to go because if it doesn't I'll keep being sick and infecting other people. So yes, I apologized to my ex and i didn't justify my behavior towards him, I wished him well in whichever area of life he's in at the moment, i didn't look for reconciliation and I didn't even mention I was in therapy or anything that could be used to weaponize guilt out of him. I just apologized and kept it brief. I even deleted the chat afterwards so I wouldn't keep checking if he seen it or whatever the fuck. I just hope I did the right thing. I cried the whole day though, not because I was sad about losing him, but because I made that relationship an identity of mine and I was realizing there was a hurt little girl in me who thought she needed a relationship to regulate whatever the fuck my parents and my family did to ruin her. I was mourning a fantasy. It hurts yes but now I can start new. I still have a lot of healing to do.. starting with finding out who the fuck I am because I don't have a clue. I mean i have an idea about the things that I like.. but do i actually like them or did I shape me into someone for approval and that “person” happened to like those things?
I don't think I'm ready to fall in love again because even if someone loves me, what is there to love? Theres no base, no identity. Just a shell of a girl who mirrored so many people till that mirror cracked and revealed something hollow. Sad i know, but on the bright side, starting over mean new! new memories, new storylines, new people, new hobbies… and that's all I've ever wanted. I want to know who XIO is without everyone watching so that I can build relationships as XIO.
I will say though destroying my ego and owning up to everything makes me feel more unstoppable because i become a realer bitch each time ^_^ <3