I want to start this off by saying FUCK DOORMATT.
I'm almost 22 years old and I have to admit. I regret not being a hoe in high school. Now I know people are going to read this and be like “Oh that's a good thing! You're still pure”, “You're one of the good ones”, some regurgitated patriarchal nonsense. Being a “Good girl” has done nothing but suppressed my own sexuality. I feel like being a hoe any time after 2022 is a waste. Nobody has any money; red pill content has reached its PEAK.. I mean it was bad before, but now it's so easy to fall victim to it. You won't even realize you're a victim of it until you hear yourself speaking out loud to normal people, and even then, you'll just chalk it up to them being less “tapped in” than you. No actually you're just a fucking loser listening to someone in a different tax bracket than you.
Another reason I wish I could be a hoe before 2022.. Cameras… CAMERAS every-fucking-where. You can't suck dick anymore without being put in a documentary. The fucked-up part about it is you could go viral and not in the Kim Kardashian way where you'll become a billionaire. More than likely, you're sucking the dick of a loser because it's hard to conceptualize that sucking dick for love is pure madness. I think that's why I like having sex with older men… No cameras. No drama. Probably because he has a wife and children or whatever the fuck… but even so, if I get caught sucking an older man's dick at least you KNOW it's for money. You got to respect the Hussle. But then I'm scared of having some bitch states away genuinely murder me because her husband lied about them being divorced.
I feel like being in a committed relationship for 7 years directly after being molested hasn't given me any variety in my type of men.. I hate discussing that part of my life because I feel like it hasn't given me a fair start at actually liking men for who they are and instead fearing them.. When someone says, “well you say you don't like men, were you traumatized?” I'm forced to stay silent because I hate how true it is. I never really had a chance at being with a good man… But again, trying to be a hoe after 2022… are there any good men anymore?
I often see my old “hoe” classmates from high school; The “staircase warriors”, The “Rush hour trains”, The “closet cases”, or what have you.. They're all locked in now, Married, Engaged, Treated like absolute princesses. Here I am, Stuck, Bird Brained, and I have no way of knowing how to get out of it. It made me realize how much a lot of men actually love hoes… they just hate hoes when other men are around. The minute these men stepped out of high school they wife up the choo-choo train warriors, and it's no hate. It's pure jealousy. I'm jealous. I'm really jealous. because I know it's because they COULD live without being loved by these losers that they use for a quick nut and still move through life surpassing everyone who talked shit. I can't have sex without me thinking I'm going to die because I'm a fucking hypochondriac and I have to take 10 trips to the ER because I think dick can give me sepsis… or just without my brain binding to them like they're a fucking opioid
Speaking of opioids and drugs, I remember i was telling my mother about how heartbroken I was over this one man and she just told me to shut the fuck up,
“I was selling meth and pimping niggas at your age get a grip”
WELL FUCK ME… I got it all wrong maybe a few Rico charges might build some character. My take away from that whole conversation wasn't some sweet talk about “Theres plenty of fish in the sea”. It was the instructions to make meth.
Recently I got over said an Ex though. I'm proud of how far I've come from 2023, I was fucked up, but life is worth living again. As I mentioned before it's very clear it was a trauma bond.. I mean, damn. One minute I'm 12 years old standing trial explaining every detail of what's been happening to me and how I couldn't wash that monster off my body, how I'll forever be dirty, how I'll never have a chance, I'll never be normal.. To then having a conventionally attractive tall light skin man comforting me from behind the bench on the playground. I don't think that man knew the extent of what I went through because he promised to protect me. Whatever i don't care if he didn't know. One thing my therapist told me to do was stop making excuses for Weaponized Incompetence. We broke up when I was 19… It was a pretty nasty breakup. Thus the birth of Doormat.
I hate that fucking song so bad. You can hear how drunk I was and how unhinged it was. I get that's why people love it, but I felt a sense of autonomy deleting that song. That part of me no longer exists. Deleting that song was the most healing thing I've experienced.
After I made doormat, A couple of weeks later I made Hypersexuality and Dilfs.. I guess in a sense I was mourning the part of me that never got to be the whore I wanted to be mixed with the intrusive thoughts I had while I was in that relationship. I ended up getting the asexual trauma instead of the sexual trauma. I don't know if this is fucked up to say, maybe I'm glorifying it, but maybe I would rather regulate my nervous system with dick than with love because at least dick is guaranteed.
When I made Weaponized Incompetence, It was a whole year after my breakup. I lost all my friends, and I was miserable. I remember I had this crazy fucking dream. This woman, The woman I want to be, sitting in a luxury house, My dream house. Accents of red, gold and pink, A round canopy bed. I remember the bedroom had a jacuzzi in the room. She was there smoking a blunt (guess some things never change). She turned to me wearing a red silk robe, boobs all perked up, red lipstick, Sharp eyeliner. Honestly, she was so beautiful I thought i was gay for a minute, but then I saw the potato chip birth mark on her thigh and realized--
“Holy fuck are you me?” I said.
“Well who else would I be,” She said softly, elegantly.
"But anyways" She continued.
She slapped the shit out of me
“What the fuck?!-” I started but she cut me off
“You need to get the fuck up and get your shit together” She scolded me
“What are you talking about--”
“You've been in your bed all depressed when you're on the come up”
This shit tripped me out. Having a dream about my own self giving me the “Bitch know your worth talk” but the halo effect was doing its thing because i was too hot not to listen to
I remember I asked “How do I get like you?.. How do i end up successful?”
The last thing she said was “You need to Unblock That Bitch"
I remember waking up in a sweat..
"Which bitch was she talking about?!"
Theres a lot of bitches i have blocked. I mean there was that Asian bitch who almost got me MURDERED over dick, Theres that other bitch who tried to set me up with someone and ended up MAKING out with them in my face, Theres that other bitch… look you get the point.. Theres a lot of bitches i have blocked… And I hate to call women bitches
But there's this one bitch…
That's when it hit me..
When I was extra bird brained, my ex had this one girl he was with before me. That man had 5 girlfriends before me believe it or not. But this one ex of his; He HATED her. Every time she was brought up, he would be furious at the thought of her, his pupils would dilate, and he'd just go on about how much of a HOE she was. she cheated on him with some dude and he just couldn't believe it, how could she choose him when he was such a good guy. But looking back at it I realized that even with his words, how completely cutthroat he was speaking about her, He was in love with her. That was love. And the only reason I didn't know that was because I didn't know what love was.
Now me and his Ex actually used to be friends, and at the time I didn't even know they dated, She as always extremely intelligent so I didn't expect her to be dating someone so dumb. But I unblocked her and not even 15 minutes later I was being hey girly'd left and right, but not even in the pick me, aha I-got-your-man kind of way, it was in an actual supportive and concerning, He's-Too-Good-For-You-Girl kind of way. It made me feel less embarrassed about the fact that this man borderline cheated on me a whole year ago and what the fuck was I going to do about it? The damage is done. But fuck I was furious. This whole time I was thinking I was crazy, I was in the wrong, but I had every right to be. Talking to his ex-definitely elevated my guilt though. I felt less bad about fucking someone else 2 weeks after our breakup. At least I had the courtesy to wait.
Me and his ex-ended up actually hanging out and for the first time in my life, I had fun, I felt connected to someone after not having friends for so long. It wasn't strangely co-dependent either. It was genuinely a healthy experience.
I remember at some point in the hangout we had to take the long way home because the bus was running on a holiday schedule for the Caribbean pride parade or something. We ended up getting stuck in some backrooms ass subway station, but we made it out.
We were at another bus stop, and we were talking a bit about middle school and past shit and I asked her what happened between her and my ex and she was just like “Well he was just stupid”
Took the words right out my mouth
“Oh my god, someone said it,” I started. “I didn't want to be mean and call him slow because that's like not politically correct… but he was genuinely SLOW”
The more I felt less policed by my personal opinion the better i felt.
“Yeah, I couldn't deal with the weaponized incompetence” She sighed and rolled her eyes.
That word stuck out to me, she continued speaking but I quickly asked her;
“Wait… What?”
“Hm?” she paused.
“That word. Weaponized what?” I asked curiously
“Weaponized Incompetence?” She asked
“Yeah.” I confirmed. “What does that mean?”
She explained: “It's basically when someone acts stupid. Whether it's on purpose or on accident, for the sole purpose of getting out of doing something”
Now I see why I had to unblock this woman. She had no idea, but this conversation unlocked a new level of consciousness in my brain. I felt my frontal lobe expand in real time.
“IS THAT WHAT THATS CALLED?!” I yelled in relief but also a tad bit of anger because: “I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH THAT SHIT FOR YEARS; I THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY?!”
"Well at least you have a name to it now' she said comforting me.
…But I remember that night i made a hit :) <3